So much on my mind and in my heart I do not know where to begin and really have no one to just talk to or lean on. Then if I do share my aggravations or frustrations I feel like I have done God wrong for being a complainer. I just am tired and confused on what I am suppose to do next I guess.
I am a pretty transparent person when it comes to who I am and what I believe in. I try not to hide anything because well, if you hide something, eventually it will come out and take you off guard when it is revealed so why not just be transparent is my line of thinking.
Today as I was cleaning I thought about the double mastectomy, and I thought LORD will that make me a female Eunach of sorts? Will I look like a man? Then with my hair is falling out, so I won’t even appear as a lady anymore.
Tears going down my cheeks, not many will understand what I am thinking or going through I guess unless they have went through it themselves or are in the throes of trying to make the same decision as I am.
I do not ever foresee me ever remarrying or having a relationship with a man in my life again. But I do not want to look like a man, I have said I feel blessed to be born a woman. But if I go through the surgery I will have no breasts, and then after surgery, there’s chemotherapy and my hair will fall out and I will be bald. I will be a freak of nature almost and I don’t know what to do. I really do not.
Sure my hair will eventually grow back but my breast will not and I totally understand what good are they, since I can’t have babies anymore but that sets us apart from the male gender it is a womanly figure, it is part of the beauty on how God created us.
I just don’t know, and that is not the only deciding factor of me having surgery I have other things to consider.
I have people and animals that rely on me for their every day needs. No one will do what I do every single day 7 days a week for no pay. No one. I do what I do because I am indebted, I feel as if I owe others for the horrible person I once was. So in order to make restitution I work very hard trying to take care of others and doing what is needful. No, it has nothing to do with my salvation that is a free gift from God I can not earn it and I am not trying to. This has to do with what is needed and taking care of others that I have done wrong before Jesus Christ.
If I were to get surgery I will be down for at least 6 weeks, then chemotherapy after that and I am not promised to go through it as easy as I did the first time.
So, during that time who is going to take 4 dogs out 10 times a day, clean up after them if they mess? Who is going to clean two liter boxes and sweep the floor every single day because of the kitties messes? Feed and water 6 pets every day?
Who is going to clean the house daily? A thorough clean once a week top to bottom, floors, dust, tub, toilet? Laundry three times a week? Dishes daily? Cooking daily? Emptying trash, cleaning out fridge for trash day once a week? Run errands, grocery shop? Water my plants make sure grow lights are on and off daily? All this on top of home care for another? Who is going to do all this and on top of it all take care of me while I recover…. for free???
The answer is simple NO ONE!
So I have a lot to think about and a lot on my mind, my heart is heavy, my mind overwhelmed and I just do not know what to do right now.
I am tired, very tired, no one knows only God.
When it was possible that it had already matastized the decision was easier no treatment would have been on the table. But, now that is has not I have a decision to make and I want to make the right one!
I do not want to have surgery and then hear God say I lacked faith. But then I don’t want to refuse treatment and hear I died prematurely.
My heart is so heavy no one knows I am troubled so troubled right now.