My weight, came on after I was saved truly born again, I believe I actually, subconsciously gained weight in order to prevent temptations to come into my life.
Chemo put 50 pounds on me, but, then I added another 40 after that. 90 pounds heavier since (2016) receiving the news I had breast cancer.
I was thinking I was protecting myself believing no one would be attracted to me because of my weight and so I just did not care about my outside appearance.
I was in my early 20’s working at a convenience store/gas station in my hometown when a man said in front of me, to my first husband, “your wife would be so beautiful if she only lost 20 pounds”. Sadly that put me on a destructive journey of self-absorption.
When I met my second husband, he agreed and told me I would be so beautiful if I lost 20 pounds. His mom, when I first met her (we lived in Lansing), made a comment on my weight as well. He himself was taking Slimfast to lose weight, though he was not large by any means.
So it was at that juncture that I started thinking my appearance and how others saw me was what made me a worthy person, that my appearance validated me.
I went to such extremes losing weight. All I heard in my mind after looking at the scale was, “you would be beautiful if you just lost 20 pounds”! I ended up being so thin, so gross that if I had not gotten pregnant with Savannah Rose I probably would have died!
My head was huge compared to my body, I still have my wedding picture to my second husband and I was grotesque! If anyone looks into my eyes on that day, that was supposed to be blissful and joyous would see a young woman that was so plunged into depression. I remember not having a phone at home because we were so poor, that he drove to Circle K so I could call my sister Sharlene. He stayed in the car while I talked and I wept, I cried and told her I just made the biggest mistake of my life…that was my wedding day.
Never feeling good enough, never pretty enough. That day after saying our vows in St. Augustine Florida, after calling my sister, we went home and I put on his daughter’s mini skirt, a crop top, fishnet stockings (the kind of clothes he loved on women), and went to the boardwalk. That was my first time thinking I was BEAUTIFUL!!! SICKENING! Absolutely sickening.
From meeting him to saying our vows I went from a healthy weight of 150-155 pounds to 105 pounds. I went from a size 14 to a child size 10! No, not a teen size 10 but a CHILD’S SIZE TEN!!! And when I looked at the scale and in the mirror I would hear, “you would be so beautiful if you only lost 20 pounds”!
After finding out I was pregnant it was a struggle not to continue with the bad eating habits and exercising as I was. But, I had a very healthy and fully developed baby girl.
Then I jumped back on the weight loss train. Depressed, self-absorbed, just wanting others to validate me. I dressed provocatively all the time because that was what my husband liked. But it then turned to wanting and desiring others to look at me, validate me, and tell me I was beautiful.
I lived this…my weight has been a roller coaster of sorts for years. Now, I am not small by any means, but, after serving, growing, and loving the LORD Jesus Christ my fear of being tempted, my fear of getting the wrong kind of attention, and not being strong enough has passed away.
My desire has been for the last year or two to be HEALTHY. My body is His Temple and what I put into it matters greatly. How I treat His Temple is extremely important! I am no longer haunted by the voice from the past, “you would be beautiful if you lost 20 pounds”.
As I venture out in changing my diet, my eating habits, and incorporating more activity so as not to be lazy the enemy has tried to entice me to go back to my old ways and to focus on appearance and not health. Even bringing those from my past to entice me through flatteries, money, etc.
But I have found my worth has nothing to do with appearance or attention from others, male or female, my worth has nothing to do with me but EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HE WHO LIVES IN ME! JESUS CHRIST THE WORD OF GOD MADE FLESH, THE ONLY BEGOTTEN SON OF GOD, GOD INCARNATE, HE IS WHAT IS OF WORTH IN ME, FOR WITHOUT HIM I AM NOTHING!
I have been sitting back and watching parents dress up their daughters or allowing their daughters to dress so seductively and I ask myself, why? Why are they allowing their daughter to show cleavage, thighs, and buttocks and be ok with it? Why are they allowing their young daughters to wear crop tops exposing their body that is screaming I am worth something only by my sexuality and not by my integrity, ability, purity, or talent? Why are parents encouraging this behavior and not correcting it?
Are these mothers living their shattered dreams through their pre-teen and teenage daughters? Where are the protectors of their daughter’s innocence?? Where are the dads at?
Our daughters do not need to be told they are beautiful in order to have healthy self-esteem. No, they need to hear great job when doing their best at school, they need to be praised when taking the extra minute to help another out. They need to be encouraged to be the best they are able to be, they need to learn what God says a good woman is to be like. They must be taught to encourage, lift up, and be happy for other girls when they succeed, or when they make the team or get the position they themselves wanted. They must be taught life is not a competition to be better than someone else but to be better than what they were yesterday through the guidance and admonition of Godly morals and the joys of living a life of purity. They should never be praised for doing wrong, but you should never shame them in front of others either.
Your daughter and your son do not need you to be the popular mom or dad. Your child does not need nor want you to be their buddy, they want a parent that loves them and will raise them with boundaries believe it or not, because that is love. Your child does not need a drinking partner with you, a party mom, or a mom that dresses as they do.
Are you raising your daughter to be a prostitute? If you are allowing her to wear inappropriate clothing to school to work or snap photos for social media…then you are. It starts off at such a young age these days, and it is subtle but neverless it is a part of the sex industry if you are raising your child like this, then you are a part of the problem, and God will not hold you guiltless. At first, they snap a photo and get a few thumbs up, then it increases because it becomes a euphoric high. It makes them feel like they are liked, loved, wanted, beautiful, and sadly sexy.
It is these girls that end up either stolen and thrown into sex trafficking, pregnant at an early age, in a dead-end abusive marriage, porn, strippers, or prostitution thinking they are going to be a star, or found dead by a sick pervert that enticed them to hook up.
All because their momma and their daddy thought it was cute to dress up their child in provocative clothing, to allow an 8 year to wear makeup and put photos on social media.
I know from experience what I am talking about, you cannot argue with a person that not only has lived it but, has known multiple women and young girls that has as well. I know the enticements of wanting to be beautiful, I know the modeling industry as well as the porn. I know it all too well, and I know many parents are to be blamed.
You say you love your daughter, yet, you allow her to dress like a whore and you proudly post it on social media…what is wrong with you…